When the Holidays Don’t Feel Jolly and your Calendar is Full of Cheery Events.
How to handle plans when you’re not actually feeling merry.
The trees and lights are twinkling everywhere you look! You’ve already attended corporate, school, and neighborhood holiday events, because ‘tis the season!’ All signs seem to be pointing to your having a very merry Christmas… and yet, it doesn’t feel merry or jolly. When everyone is expecting you to be somewhere, it can feel tricky to navigate our own feelings while also being aware of the needs or expectations of others.
For many of us, the holidays bring a mix of emotions. We may have sweet memories that beg us to continue family traditions while also noticing that things have shifted in our lives and relationships and we’re not feeling the same way about everything we once did.
Maybe it’s knowing that your uncle will roll his eyes at your child’s antics, not knowing that you’ve spent every-waking minute of the last 6 months researching ADHD specialists and parenting tips.
Perhaps you’ve been dealing with anxiety or depression and just getting out the door feels like a monumental task right now.
The shift could be because no one besides you and your partner know that you just finished your second unsuccessful round of IVF and you’re already bracing for questions about when you’ll give your parents a grandchild.
This could also be the first year, you’re attending a gathering without a partner and while you’re face shows “I’m full of cheer,” you’re grieving deeply and feel like the earth is still off its access.
Whatever that shift is, it feels like getting through the holidays is more of a chore than a joy. When our lives don’t feel in alignment with how we think we should feel, its okay to step back and take a breath. It’s okay to be honest about what is going on and how we actually feel. While we may not be able to cancel plans or avoid the questions, we can be thoughtful about how we’re caring for ourselves and walking into gatherings.
Tips for getting honest with yourself about how you really feel:
As you look at your calendar, see if there are plans that you’re dreading. Pay attention to that feeling and identify what specifically you’re dreading about those plans. Do the same for things that you’re looking forward to - what is it about those plans (or lack thereof) that you’re most looking forward to?
Notice where you feel tightness or discomfort in your body - imagine what that sensation would say if it could talk.
Pay attention to the tasks that you’re putting off and get curious about why those are taking a back seat right now.
What to do with your honest feelings:
Write your feelings down and then read them back using the lens of the kindest version of yourself or someone you trust, you can imagine. How does that kind version respond (hint: make sure curiosity and compassion are involved).
Ask your body what it needs from you right now to be taken care of. Take your meds/supplements. Drink your water. Get out for a walk. Put yourself to bed on time.
Consider what changes to your itinerary you may need to make or what boundaries you might need to put in place for yourself.
Find some support. Check in with a caring family member, friend or your therapist to talk about how you’re really feeling. Don’t just hold it all to yourself.
How to apply those feelings to your holiday plans:
While it might be nice to cancel/back out of plans, we may feel like we can’t avoid those things that we’re dreading for any number of reasons. Something we can do, is to approach them with some thought and care. This may mean:
Planning a visit at a time when you know a particular relative will not be present, or when a safe relative will be in attendance to support you.
You might shorten the amount of time you spend at a particular event or book-end the event with something that feels good and is supportive to you.
Excuse yourself to take a walk or run a quick errand, alone or with someone supportive.
If there are topics you’re not willing to discuss, identify some responses that feel kind but clear.
Thanks for your concern/curiosity, I’m not ready to speak about that right now.
It’s been a tough season and I appreciate your respect in not pressing me further on this.
I’m actually wondering about (xyz related to their life). Tell me more about that!
While it can be tough to decide how to handle your holiday calendar when you’re not actually feeling cheery, its possible to do so in a way that feels in alignment with where you’re at right now. Do your best to take care of yourself and reach out for help when you need it!