Unpacking Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy
If you’re in a relationship and looking for support specifically for your relationship, you’ve likely come across Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). For many couples just starting therapy, it may be an unfamiliar and somewhat intimidating sounding modality (especially if you or your partner “don’t do emotions”). EFT doesn’t have to feel overwhelming and as an EFT Therapist, I’m hoping you give it a try!
At it’s core, EFT Couples Therapy helps couples feel emotionally safe and connected again.
The EFT Couples Therapy approach is about strengthening the emotional bond between partners — because when that bond feels secure, everything else becomes easier to work through.
When Couples Get Stuck
Most couples don’t come to therapy because they don’t love each other - They come because they’re stuck in patterns that are causing problems in the relationship and they can’t find a way forward together.
Maybe you notice:
You and your partner have the same argument again and again.
You feel unheard or misunderstood by your spouse.
There isn’t conflict in your relationship but it feels distant.
Feeling hurt but aren’t sure how to talk about it with your partner.
Pain from a betrayal or broken trust.
Often, those feelings or things you notice are the result of a quiet (or loud) pattern that has been happening in your relationship. Over time, these patterns can create distance between people. One partner may push for connection while the other withdraws or shuts down. Both people often feel alone — even when they deeply care about each other and want closeness.
EFT helps slow these patterns and moments down so you can understand what’s really happening underneath.
How EFT is Different
Emotionally Focused Therapy focuses on the emotions and attachment needs underneath the conflict. While many couples therapy modalities focus on communication skills or assign homework following sessions, EFT addresses the deeper needs and emotions related to attachment as the primary means to change in the relationship.
Most fights aren’t really about dishes, parenting, or schedules. They’re about questions like:
“Do I matter to you?”
“Are you there for me?”
“Can I trust you with my feelings?”
“Am I alone in this relationship?”
When our attachment feels threatened, we react, often with anger, criticism, shutdown, or defensiveness. EFT helps couples recognize these reactions not as personal attacks, but as signs of fear or hurt.
What Happens in EFT Couples Therapy?
In EFT couples therapy, we work together to:
1. Understand the Pattern
Instead of blaming each other, we identify the problem cycle or pattern you get caught in. The cycle becomes the problem — not you or your partner.
2. Slow Down Emotional Moments
Together, we explore what each partner is feeling underneath the automatic or protective reactions. Often there’s more that hasn’t felt safe to share in the past.
3. Create New Conversations and Connection
As couples begin sharing deeper feelings, they begin to experience new ways of connecting with their partner that are in alignment with the relationship they are longing for.
That’s where reconnection begins.
Is EFT Effective?
Yes, and not just anecdotally. Emotionally Focused Therapy is one of the most researched and effective approaches to couples therapy. Studies consistently show significant improvements in relationship satisfaction and long-term stability.
But beyond research, what matters most is this:
Couples often leave feeling closer, safer, and more hopeful.
Ready to Try EFT Couples Therapy?
If you’re interested in more and want to try EFT Couples Therapy for yourself, I’d love to work with you! As a San Diego EFT Couples Therapist and Virtual EFT Couples Therapist, I see California-based couples in-person and virtually using the EFT model of therapy. Schedule a free consultation to get started today!